This should really tell you all you need to know about how boring Wolf 3D was even back in ‘92. Maybe because it was a freeware piece of shit, and thus automatically, and rightly, ignored? But several of my friends were playing it - at least half of my role-playing group, for example - and when I visited them I would often see the game being played right in front of my eyes, and yet I never got the urge to try it out. So I was very aware of the game when it came out - not via the press, because I don’t remember seeing a single magazine piece on it: no reviews, or previews, or even a mere mention of it in an article for another game. No levels in a videogame in the early ‘90s! That’s how retarded id’s designers were. And why do all the screenshots of these games look the same? Because they have no levels lol. A disgusting combination of bloated, upscaled blue-brown pixels that, not only was not beautiful, but was in fact the ugliest sight ever seen up to that point in the world of videogames, every fucking screenshot of which looked the same as every other! - Actually, every fucking screenshot of all the crappy FPSes I listed earlier looks the same as every other screenshot of the same game - this complaint will be a recurring theme in these essays - if you see one of their screenshots you’ve seen the entire game - but Wolf 3D is the one which established this retarded convention, so it’s gonna catch a lot of flak from me for it. I mean, we are talking about a time when stuff like Strider Hiryuu, Wing Commander and Sonic the Hedgehog already existed, whilst every screenshot of id’s cheapo freeware piece of shit consisted of twenty gigantic blocky wall pixels, a gigantic blocky Nazi sprite, and a gigantic blocky gun sprite. So there’s no doubt that Wolf 3D was some ugly-ass shit indeed, and there’s no conceivable argument that could excuse, much less obscure, this conclusion.
Needless to say, both groups are retarded and their opinions are pitiable, at the bottom of which lies a lack of sufficient exposure to old games and lack of sufficient aesthetic sensibility to see their differences and compare them. And then there are the other morons - the ones who only play CoD and Madden or whatever - who take the opposite tack and defend ugly old games on the grounds that all old games were ugly precisely because they "had pixels". These people are the dog-shit lappers: aesthetically dense and insensitive trailer-park trash and bottom-feeder hipsters who are so ugly themselves that they instinctively side with whatever argument supports the stupid-ass notion that everything is beautiful, until ugly-ass shit like Wolf 3D, which was clearly designed by colorblind, stick-figure-drawing morons, becomes beautiful too because "it’s old" and it "has pixels". Lots of people today are quick to defend old ugly games on the grounds that they only look ugly today, not when they originally appeared, so every old ugly game gets a pass, as if all games past a certain date become automatically beautiful. It just looks so fucking stupid and ugly - and I am not merely saying this today, now that the game is so old and primitive in comparison with its contemporary competition. But I have been aware of it since its very release, and in all these years I’ve never felt the urge to try it out. I mean Wolf 3D a great game? Are you shitting me? Have you actually played it? Well, I hadn’t either, not until very recently that is, and then only for ten or so minutes, solely for the purposes of this review, so as to be able to say that I have indeed played it. But really, CoD is a proper videogame, with colors and levels and stuff to do and everything - it’s obvious from any trailer you watch of these games - while the stuff I listed at the top is just stupid autistic bullshit, in one form or another, and usually in way more than one. Any given Call of Duty is more enjoyable than all of them put together, and I haven’t even played any Call of Duty: I am just mentioning them because the hipsters and the communists hate them, just to rile them up.
So let’s start toppling the FPS golden calves: Wolf 3D, Doom, Quake, Half-Life, Counter-Strike, and Portal - as I see them right now (did I miss any?): they are all going down, one by one, starting right now, because quite simply they are not very good games.
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